Today's burden

Today was not a good day. I woke up with good energy, ready to take on the world. Right now my mental state is terrible. My head hurts and i don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lie down and stare at the ceiling forever.

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Every time i get like this i feel as if nothing matters anymore. I want to give up and just waste away some place. It is as if my strength is gone. I have been struggling with this up and down for most of my life and i am tired. I am tired of being so low, i feel useless. I need help and fast.

It is easy to smile at the world and say everything is fine. It is easy to pretend to be able to do it all by yourself. I am going to get better by tomorrow and i will march on, as if today never happened. No one will know, except you reading this, that today was black for me.

When i feel the pain in my head like a band around my brain, i itch for a drink, a smoke, pleasant company, anything to distract me from my thoughts. I don't know what feeds what; if it is my addiction feeding the depression or the depression feeding the addictions. I know that right now, anything to kill the pain would be better than this.

I don't know what to say to God today, i swear. I don't know if he even bothers with me anymore. Is she there? Those of you who cope with this turmoil, how do you do it? I mean this feeling of emptiness, loneliness, purposelessness? I can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't even have a civil conversation with people. It is too much to take.

I often dream of going some place where there is silence. It will be just me and nature. I will have a small house with water and electricity. There will be no access to the internet. I will write short stories and poetry, take long walks, talk to the clouds and birds, sleep long hours, leave my hair to grow wild. It would be a secret place where no one, lover, friend or family can find me.

I will be lonely if i do this, i know. I had tried something close to it in the past, i think two years ago or so. I logged out all of my social media accounts, even blockchain and went offline for months. It did nothing for me. Although i enjoyed the silence, i needed to interact to make a living so i came back on. I just wish i had the financial werewithal to do without talking, without laughing, without getting on the bus, without going to the market, without job hunting. It would be great.

I am sorry to bother you with my troubles. My worries are safe here i guess. My friends here are few and far away. We all have our problems so mine is not as important as yours. By tomorrow, you will have forgotten about this whinning. Anyway, i felt the need to unburden myself. Thank you for listening. It means more than you know.