When is Blame Healthy? Fuck You Mom!
I wrote this today ^
I'm a strong believer that we have the power to change our lives; we make our own choices; we are not defined by our past or those around us.
Yet, I am also aware of how the mind, brain, spirit, energy, and entire body functions. We are merely products of our environments. In many cases, we have self created environments; movies we chose to watch, music, friends, etc. In most cases, we have very little impact on our enviromrntally absorbed lessons.
I've recently had two situations where I've been told that I need to accept ALL responsibility for all that has, is, and will happen to me.
As a strong advocate for letting go of blame, I was initially ashamed of my defensive reaction to the two similar comments spewed at me. How can I possibly be saying and believing such things as, "we have the power to change our lives", "the past doesn't define us", "live in the now", and "I've let go of anger, hate and blame".
Truth is, an exceptionally few humans will ever be capable of letting go of anger, hate, and blame 100%. Those emotions are natural and have very important roles in our lives. It's not about letting them go, it's about learning to manage such emotions.
The situations:
My ex told me not to blame my previous emotional state on others (ie: him).
My Mother told me to stop blaming others for my problems.
Both comments came from two people who were in fact protecting their egos, not mine.
My ex, for example, had been lying to me, "losing" money, living off of me for free (buying a Christmas tree didn't count as rent), smoking two packs of smokes a day in my bedroom if a 2b apt and our kids were here, 1-3gm a day of bongs in my bedroom, decided that I wasn't good enough to hang out with when he actually finally got back to work, stopped touching me, walked ahead of me like we weren't a couple, we weren't having sex, he wasn't helping with chores, and completely blew me off on Mother's Day because he "couldn't afford it" - lets not talk about the amount of $ he spent on booze and drugs two weeks prior though.
I fell into a pit of depression.
My Mother was violently physically abusive, mentally and emotionally abusive, neglectful, self centered, paranoid, socially abusive (I'm not going to explain), mean, fake, childish, verbally abusive, and failed to address her and her children's mental health issues; she doctored us with a slap in the head and, "stop acting retarded". My mother was the master of judging and shaming everyone, to this day.
I was depressed and suicidal by the age of seven.
When those two people tell ME not to blame others and that everything in my life is my fault, I fail to see the value in their statements.
It is they who are attempting to shift blame. It is they who don't want to accept that perhaps the negative ways in which they treat those that they "love" actually DO have an effect.
Our minds are only a bunch of learned pathways- neurotransmitters transmitting.
If you push tweezers into an outlet, who's fault is the electrical shock? The wires, the metal tweezers, or the person holding the tool? Or, is it the person's fault to wired the home, the electrical company, or Tesla?
Truth is, you could blame each and every one of those things/people and you'd be correct, but does that mean that you should sue the electrical company?
Blame for a very small thing can be spread out into MANY different directions and all would be true.
Letting go of blame IS a very important thing to do to get by in life and doesn't mean that one forgets or condones the why or who. Letting go is about personal sanity.
But, when two people who ARE to blame for an exceptional amount of my turmoil, loss, and pain, try to put it ALL on me, no! I refuse to allow them the purity of not accepting what they have done and will likely continue to do.
Fuck you!
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My favorite part here is when you talked about managing. I like that part. Another key part that you mentioned was about letting go, which reminds me of that Disney cartoon film, Frozen.
Those two things are priceless skills to have. More importantly, our lives are like movies. That means a Hell of lot of character development, potentially. So, letting go helps. Beyond that, one of the things I've been refining and developing more of is the ability to say no. For example, yesterday, I said no to ice-cream. I love it. Now, it can be tough to do certain things and even harder not to gobble of chocolate or ice-cream or a person or who knows what.
One of the secrets is in accepting the emotions, the feelings, the moods, that may come and go like the wind, like the weather. It is easier to let our emotions guide us. That is our default setting. We can feel like we have to do or not do certain things. Ultimately, we should be aware of how we are by default. We should write that down. We should let people know our weaknesses. Beyond that, we should also let people know what we seek after. We should write that down and focus on aligning with our heart, our soul, to the things we deeply want and believe in, our main life objectives.