Wrong Side of the Fence

A friend and I went and grabbed a quick bite to eat and as always, had lots of interesting discussions. He visited our home the other night and we were discussing some of the things I have been writing about recently in regards to our personal resources and where we are spending them. It is good to have someone that enjoys these kinds of discussions with in real life too, but we don't get to meet enough to dive in deeply, though we try.

This evening we were talking about needs and wants and I was talking about our hierarchy of needs article I wrote today, and asked him the question;

If we have the first three layers of Physiological, Safety, and Love needs truly taken care of, is that enough for a good life?

And then the question comes, what happens to the two layers of Esteem and Self-actualisation if the three below are taken care of? Because, at least in my view, things like respect, status, recognition, and strength come from the layers below, which means that if these are taken care of, the fourth layer is a side-effect, not a goal. While the factors are different, it isn't an independent layer, it is an interdependent layer.

We discussed what was actually necessary for happiness and wellbeing, and focused on housing, as that is a relevant topic for him at the moment entering into a new relationship, and for me having lost employment. For most of us, our house is going to be the single largest purchase we will make, and nearly all of us will take a loan and pay a lot of interest on our house, for many years to come. However, the home is also a place where we live our lives the most and build the deeper relationships, so it is something that is worth investing into.

Is it enough just to have a roof over the head to satisfy the need for shelter?

Yes. But, that might not be enough to satisfy safety, nor facilitate our relationship needs. With a roof over our head, we start to look for more, and we start to build to help realise those next stages. Yet, at some point, we seem to have jumped over our needs for others and doubled-down on the Esteem stage, and this includes the way we build our houses. Rather than being vessels to raise a family, they are tools to raise status and earn respect.

Earn respect is a funny turn of phrase, isn't it? How often do you hear about people looking to earn the love of others? That fourth layer generally comes with the idea that we have to trade something, or behave in a particular way in order to get a return on the investment. But when people talk about the third layer topics, of love and friendship, it is something that seems to come with the expectation that nothing extra need be done, that someone should like or love us for who we are, no matter how we behave. There is an asymmetry in expressions, like there is a different denominator, and we aren't built to find the commonality.

This means that we are more likely to invest our resources into the areas that we believe we need to in order to make the gains, and not invest them in the areas where we believe we are entitled to the gains. Anyone in a good, loving relationship will likely say, it isn't easy, it takes work, and investment. Why work for a return that is going to come anyway?

Everyone deserves to be loved.

Do you think everyone deserves respect? And maybe this is part of the problem, because as a society we seem to try and provide the resources for Physiological and Safety needs, without requiring as much work to earn them. This might be a good thing in many ways, because it frees up our resources to spend on Relationships, but instead, we are skipping that step as if it is also provided, and spend on building our status and reputation. Which as I have said earlier, has been hijacked by business to provide a sense of it without needing a close-knit community - the type that provides friendship, love and intimacy.

The common wisdom is to pay attention to the little things, but perhaps what we should be espousing is to behave in ways that creates them instead. Rather than investing into being passive observers, we should be active participators in the layers that actually matter. We might have a roof over our heads, we might be relatively safe, but are we working on our relationships with the same energy we look to earn respect and status? And then, if we are looking at those relationships as a key part of wellbeing, are we behaving in ways that help others get access to that layer too?

And I think that if we were to maximize wellbeing, we'd find that no matter what we build, what we accomplish, or what we have in our possession, we would find that there is no point to any of it, if we are alone. And this means, that while we all might have a personal hierarchy of needs that require our resources to reach, we also have to be prepared to invest into others.

If we don't, we might find ourselves on the wrong side of the fence.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]